So this is goodbye.

I have been on myspace for about 4 years now.

Loads of things happened there. It was a place that I can blog freely because readers of my blogs either don't know me or live far away from Singapore. I can bitch freely there. And more importantly, I can be wild there.

The "first" time I met someone from online was a "friend" from myspace. This person was then given the label of "banana ass" and condemned by my friends and later on, by me. Fuck man. You think you are very charming ah? Toying with someone's feelings like that?! You are just a short, insecure guy. BAH. *breathes*

After that incident, I swore not to meet anyone online anymore. But then I got to know another guy. No, history did not repeat itself. CHOY! It was pure fun this time. Not in a realtionship kind of way. CHOY! However fun it was *grins*, that was short.

It's been 4 months since I last logged in to myspace. I went in today, looked through my pictures and blog. It felt so surreal. What I wrote is still true. The pictures I took and posted there serves to remind me that I am not just a goody goody. I am not some plain jane.

I just feel that, I should stop with this separating of my personality and just blog. Blog freely here. Post pictures freely here. Then maybe, it won't be so hard on myself.

I am going to transfer the posts out from myspace, save the pictures and then, I am going to close that account.

This is goodbye.

stay. away.

Relationships (and anything resembling it) has never been as unattractive to me as it has been now.

It took a conversation with ber to realized that.

All that checking the phone every few moments for his reply, feeling the need to constantly message him, the want to talk on the phone every night and the whole "I-just-can't-get-enough-of-you" things.

All these. All of them feels disgusting to me. I don't even know why.

In a relationship (and anything resembling it), it's not what you expect that's hard and sticky. It's HIS expectations that are complicating stuff.

For me. For now. I just want something with no complications.

You know, talk/message each other only if you feel like it.

Quite like what I had last year.

Kudos to all those who have ever been/are in a relationship.

And if I sound emo, I am not. I am just frustrated and tired and can't stand how some of my girlfriends are so eager to settle down. And this does not make me a loose-ey SPG or anything.

Yeah. Fun! Come this way.

Dissing the banana ass.

Welcome to another episode of dissing the banana ass *applause*

If I have a dollar every time banana ass uses the word "hot", I will be able to afford one iTouch, one iPhone, one MacBook Pro, one Samsung Omnia, one Nikon D40X and...you get the drift.

It's so sickening. I mean, seriously! For the third day in a row, when I log on to Facebook, I will see that word, his name, a girl's name and the girl's pictures. Sometimes, the girl is not even hot! Just dressed scantily. Okay, that's too mean. To the girl.

It's like how desperate can he get?! This guy is literally searching for porn on social networks! In myspace, Facebook and Friendster! Of course, by adding these girls, he is also hoping to get into their pants. Get a life lah!

And then there's a few guys I know who really like to use the excuse (and I quote), "..I am a guy. I have needs..." to explain...well, to explain everything.

Erm...One word. Whatever.

It just gets on my nerve.

There's a reason why I "like" that guy. He is direct and never beat around the bushes (no pun intended). Now, that's sexy.

This post is so going to be moved.

the reliant-phobic.

When you have had a great or fairly nice day, you tend to have a lot of thoughts going on in your head. At least it's true for my cousins and I. So here goes the thought.

I like the cleaned-up version of me(: Okay, not totally cleaned up. But you know, less of the splotches of THAT need.

Sometimes, I still feel like this -

promiscuous boy, wherever you are. i am all alone and it's you that i want.

But hey, I've learned to deal with it(: Oh yes I have!

I realised that I am reliant-phobic.

I don't know. The thought of having relationships like the ones my friends are having, freaks me out. Even the normal ones. ESPECIALLY the normal ones.

Someone who looks after me all the time. Someone who is there to throw tantrums at. Someone who is there constantly. Meeting up more than 3 times a week. Someone constantly looking over my shoulders. Protecting me. Tying my emotions to their actions (because let's face it. once you are in a r/s, it happens). And all that that comes with the boyfriend package.

It just too much. Too much of reliance. I will never allow myself to be that reliant on someone. NEVER. It freaks me out.

Besides, I can look after myself perfectly well. I can control my emotions. And if I can't, I should learn to control my emotions. I don't need someone to protect me. 我经得起风吹雨打！I should learn to clean up my own shit. And, I am never going to let someone have reins over my emotions. Nah-ah.

I like a relationship where the boy and I act like we are single but not available. Basically, we get to keep the privileges of a singleton (hooray!) and yet, we get to enjoy the plus side of coupledom (perfect!). It's like hedging in Finance! Limit the downside and maximize the upside. Kind of.

Oh, I don't mind that he goes clubbing without me. Or that he doesn't "report" to me. He can look at pretty girls and maybe even flirt a little with them (but not in front of me). And blah and blah and blah.

Of course, when it comes to physical needs (I don't need to spell it out, do I?!), we are mutually exclusive. No other girls for him and no other guys for me. The occasional keeping each other warm in the middle of the night. Meeting up as and when our schedules allow. And blah and blah and blah.

Bickering is a must! Fights as well! I don't need or want the boy to always agree or giving in to me. I mean, how boring! Bickering and fighting keep things fresh and interesting no? He must share similar interest too. Watches soccer and US shows like The Celebrity Apprentice, Lost, Gossip Girl, Prison Break, Grey's and the likes.

AND! He must understand that the relationship is an ad-hoc thing. Most of the people I know these days are looking for their potential husbands and wives already! SIAO! That's why the boy must understand that I am NOT looking for such a thing. If it works out, cool. If not, I'll see you around.

So, it's kind of like an unofficial relationship. I don't need the title of being so-and-so's girlfriend. I mean, seriously, does it help me get a job? Feed me?

Oh, don't tell me that I am saying all these because I have yet to find someone I really really truly madly deeply love. Because ever since I am old enough to understand relationship (around 12), this has been how I imagine my perfect relationship to be. Even if we are married. He gets to keep his life, I get to keep mine and we sort of have a intersection in the center. Like those venn diagrams we have in science.

I like my independence and I plan to keep it.

Oh, I do have a mess up view about relationship huh? Well, this is only the tip of the iceberg. I mean, I have been in enough (2) bad limbo relationships to know better.

Of course, there are many sub-clause and exceptions to these unofficial relationship thingy. But there's just too many to list here. The relationship must not be a planned thing. It is more like a spontaneous thing. We will take the next step when it comes. And not have a clear timeline in mind. God, no!

This is not a good description of the perfect relationship for a reliant-phobic. But I am doing the best I can with these half shut eyes and brain.

zzZzz.

PMS. Menses. Do you know?

Yeah! After an hour of lightning and thunder, it is finally raining! (: Okay, I hear sound of rain. I better check. *looks out of window* Yups, it is! Good night to sleep(:

Been feeling down the whole day. Okay, maybe not down. Just unmotivated and a general disinterest to anything. Work, coming online or even talking. Blehs~! But I controlled it. Emo thoughts were killed the very moment they start sprouting! *victorious cheer*

Do you know that PMS is most prominent in your 20s-30s?And that if it's really serious, it is similar to depression? Eeeks! I didn't! No wonder! Darn. Been reading up on PMS because I've been having the worst case of PMS ever. If I know how to double-underline that, I will. But, yes. Knowledge is the first step to cure (or something along that line).

I am suppose to reduce salt intake and exercise. *shifty look* Orh. Oh and, reducing stress and getting enough sleep is part of the "cure" as well. ha.ha.ha.

I think curing food cravings is a good way to kick the PMS monster in the ass as well.

Anyways, do you know that the week (or is it 2 weeks?) before the start of your menses is the golden period for diet and slimming? I heard it on some Taiwan show called, "身体密码". Girls, get your PE shorts and sport shoes out and exercise away! By exercising, you get to fight the PMS monster and slim down! 双喜临门, no? Okay, wrong usage of 成语.

I should listen to my own advice-.-|||

To all the girls out there, click here to track when the PMS monster will strike. They send reminders as well.

Actually, boyfriends should check it out as well. So as to get extra points from the girlfriends. Knowing when PMS will strike means you are pre-warned to their mood swings and you can surprise the girlfriend by showing up with her favorite food or whatever she is craving for at that moment!

On the side, to you know that the "safe" period is also the week before the start of menses? Okay, I know you guys probably don't need to know that. But I thought it was interesting to share. Because I know there are misconceptions that the "safe" period was AFTER menses. So yeah.

Seriously, by looking at this entry, I think I can safely conclude that the week before menses is the magic week? Well, other than the re-appearance of our friendly PMS monsters. And the (occasional) yearn for physical comfort o.O

Anyways, I can't seem to listen to the 91.3 online :( So I am stuck with Class 95! Perfect 10 is a little to rocky on weekends for me. *sigh*

Celebrity Apprentice then bed!

You!

YOU!

Just because you want to have a fling with me, it doesn't me that I want to be yours! LOSER!

YOU!

I don't even know where to begin. The cheek of you.

YOU!

Thanks for spoiling my fun. URGH!

I don't care how you guys are going to interpret the 3 sentences. If you think it's describing you, it probably is. If you think it is not describing you, it's probably wrong. WHATEVER!

Scotchey, I need to rant again :(

I love deviantart.com -

fuck off. buzz off. i know i shouldn't. but i like it. thanks for spoiling my fun with that post.