There's something about blogging that soothes the inner bitch/whiner in me. I can blog about something that totally bothers me and then after that it kinds of make me feel better.
You may have heard about my family situation before. Or maybe you are new to this.
Here's the story. My dad runs a small provision shop 8 floors below my house. It was passed on from my grandpa and my dad has been running the shop all his life. I'm serious. Ever since his teenage days, he has been helping out in the shop while the rest of my uncles and aunties head off to school.
The shop is not earning enough money. Not profitable. I think it's probably enough to cover most of the expenses but at times, the father has to go around borrowing. One of my uncle works in the shop as well. Work being sleeping, watching cable tv, thinking about the next set of 4D numbers to buy, chasing customers away and the occasional stacking of goods, domino-style.
He draws a really ridiculous amount of "salary". Basically taking whatever he likes from the cashier. He "bought" a car but the father pays the installment and maintenance. To be fair, my dad uses to drive me to the MRT station in the morning and uses to go to church with my grams every Saturday.
Because of the shop, the father is in debt. Off the top of my head, here are the things that he needs to pay every month - the bank loan he took to buy the shop, the car installments, our living expenses, the money he borrows from relatives, the renovation loan (the shop underwent renovation 4 years ago), my brother's education fee and my university fee.
And recently, the father realized that this cannot go on and perhaps it might be better to sell the shop off. Lo and behold, before he even discussed it with the family, he has already approach someone to help.
This time, he is really going to sell the shop. I think.
It scares me. It scares me that my dad is not thinking probably. I know by selling the shop, we will stop accumulating debts. Anything is better than continuing with the shop. But is it the best time?
I don't know. My dad is an optimist. If his optimism can be used as electricity, I tell you, it will be enough for my house to use for a month. He is also very skilled at avoidance. He really lives by the principal, "Live one day at a time."
I'm sure he has thought things through before he came to such a decision. But, what I am afraid of is that he is only thinking in the very short term.
From my very brief conversation with my brother and him just now, I realized what the father is focused on now is just how much his burden will be reduced IF he closes the shop. He has only given minimal thought as to what are the extra expenses that will be incurred if the shop goes. To them, closing the shop is equal to the end of problems.
But that's not true, is it? When the shop closes, there are many new expenses that we have to take care. Food and grocery expense for example. When the shop closes, it doesn't mean that you don't have to pay all those loans anymore. You still have to.
Will we be able to do that? Will the rental income be enough to do that? Will the income from his new job (helping out in my aunt's shop) be enough? Are we going to be in more shit than we already are?
A rough calculation shows that if rental income is $4000 and my dad's income is $1000. After paying off everything and giving some to my uncle as income, we will have less than $800 to get by every month.
My mum said that she will go out to work if we can't make ends meet. But I won't allow her to do that. I really won't. I am protective of my mum. After her operation 5 years ago, I realized how important she is to me. To the family. She needs someone to keep her in check. She needs her rest. For many many reasons, she cannot go out to work.
I don't know. There are just so many scary thoughts in my head right now. I am mentally doing all the calculations and estimations. Thinking about how it is going to impact the way my family works. How it is going to impact everyone in my family. The morales. The stress.
My brother told me that everything will be okay. But he's too young to know that. He has not been slapped in the face by reality.
I have. I have tried surviving on an income of $2000 per month. I know how hard it is. If it's hard for me on a salary of $2000, imagine how hard it will be for us?
I know closing the shop is the best choice. But is it the right time? Why not just wait? Wait for me to graduate next year. At least by then, I have my own source of income . I can contribute to the family and it will be less taxing on everyone.
Why now?
What can I do now?
I know what Juan will tell. I can imagine her tone and her expression, "Shan. Everything will be okay in the end de. Just let your parents worry. Concentrate on your studies now, ok?"
I know that too. But I can't.
I am the planner in my family. Whereas the whole family is willing to dive right in without a clear plan, I can't.
Sometimes I wish I am like my sister. Happy-go-lucky. Sometimes I wish I am like my brother. Able to turn off and be selfish.
Why is it that I am always thinking so far ahead? Urgh.
Okay, I'm done ranting.
I don't need you to pity me. Don't let this affect how you talk or communicate with me.
My family will get through this.
I will get through this. Why? Because I am a strong girl(: *flex muscles*
There. I feel much better and things seem less dire than it was before.
You may have heard about my family situation before. Or maybe you are new to this.
Here's the story. My dad runs a small provision shop 8 floors below my house. It was passed on from my grandpa and my dad has been running the shop all his life. I'm serious. Ever since his teenage days, he has been helping out in the shop while the rest of my uncles and aunties head off to school.
The shop is not earning enough money. Not profitable. I think it's probably enough to cover most of the expenses but at times, the father has to go around borrowing. One of my uncle works in the shop as well. Work being sleeping, watching cable tv, thinking about the next set of 4D numbers to buy, chasing customers away and the occasional stacking of goods, domino-style.
He draws a really ridiculous amount of "salary". Basically taking whatever he likes from the cashier. He "bought" a car but the father pays the installment and maintenance. To be fair, my dad uses to drive me to the MRT station in the morning and uses to go to church with my grams every Saturday.
Because of the shop, the father is in debt. Off the top of my head, here are the things that he needs to pay every month - the bank loan he took to buy the shop, the car installments, our living expenses, the money he borrows from relatives, the renovation loan (the shop underwent renovation 4 years ago), my brother's education fee and my university fee.
And recently, the father realized that this cannot go on and perhaps it might be better to sell the shop off. Lo and behold, before he even discussed it with the family, he has already approach someone to help.
This time, he is really going to sell the shop. I think.
It scares me. It scares me that my dad is not thinking probably. I know by selling the shop, we will stop accumulating debts. Anything is better than continuing with the shop. But is it the best time?
I don't know. My dad is an optimist. If his optimism can be used as electricity, I tell you, it will be enough for my house to use for a month. He is also very skilled at avoidance. He really lives by the principal, "Live one day at a time."
I'm sure he has thought things through before he came to such a decision. But, what I am afraid of is that he is only thinking in the very short term.
From my very brief conversation with my brother and him just now, I realized what the father is focused on now is just how much his burden will be reduced IF he closes the shop. He has only given minimal thought as to what are the extra expenses that will be incurred if the shop goes. To them, closing the shop is equal to the end of problems.
But that's not true, is it? When the shop closes, there are many new expenses that we have to take care. Food and grocery expense for example. When the shop closes, it doesn't mean that you don't have to pay all those loans anymore. You still have to.
Will we be able to do that? Will the rental income be enough to do that? Will the income from his new job (helping out in my aunt's shop) be enough? Are we going to be in more shit than we already are?
A rough calculation shows that if rental income is $4000 and my dad's income is $1000. After paying off everything and giving some to my uncle as income, we will have less than $800 to get by every month.
My mum said that she will go out to work if we can't make ends meet. But I won't allow her to do that. I really won't. I am protective of my mum. After her operation 5 years ago, I realized how important she is to me. To the family. She needs someone to keep her in check. She needs her rest. For many many reasons, she cannot go out to work.
I don't know. There are just so many scary thoughts in my head right now. I am mentally doing all the calculations and estimations. Thinking about how it is going to impact the way my family works. How it is going to impact everyone in my family. The morales. The stress.
My brother told me that everything will be okay. But he's too young to know that. He has not been slapped in the face by reality.
I have. I have tried surviving on an income of $2000 per month. I know how hard it is. If it's hard for me on a salary of $2000, imagine how hard it will be for us?
I know closing the shop is the best choice. But is it the right time? Why not just wait? Wait for me to graduate next year. At least by then, I have my own source of income . I can contribute to the family and it will be less taxing on everyone.
Why now?
What can I do now?
I know what Juan will tell. I can imagine her tone and her expression, "Shan. Everything will be okay in the end de. Just let your parents worry. Concentrate on your studies now, ok?"
I know that too. But I can't.
I am the planner in my family. Whereas the whole family is willing to dive right in without a clear plan, I can't.
Sometimes I wish I am like my sister. Happy-go-lucky. Sometimes I wish I am like my brother. Able to turn off and be selfish.
Why is it that I am always thinking so far ahead? Urgh.
Okay, I'm done ranting.
I don't need you to pity me. Don't let this affect how you talk or communicate with me.
My family will get through this.
I will get through this. Why? Because I am a strong girl(: *flex muscles*
There. I feel much better and things seem less dire than it was before.
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