When you have had a great or fairly nice day, you tend to have a lot of thoughts going on in your head. At least it's true for my cousins and I. So here goes the thought.
I like the cleaned-up version of me(: Okay, not totally cleaned up. But you know, less of the splotches of THAT need.
Sometimes, I still feel like this -
promiscuous boy, wherever you are. i am all alone and it's you that i want.
But hey, I've learned to deal with it(: Oh yes I have!
I realised that I am reliant-phobic.
I don't know. The thought of having relationships like the ones my friends are having, freaks me out. Even the normal ones. ESPECIALLY the normal ones.
Someone who looks after me all the time. Someone who is there to throw tantrums at. Someone who is there constantly. Meeting up more than 3 times a week. Someone constantly looking over my shoulders. Protecting me. Tying my emotions to their actions (because let's face it. once you are in a r/s, it happens). And all that that comes with the boyfriend package.
It just too much. Too much of reliance. I will never allow myself to be that reliant on someone. NEVER. It freaks me out.
Besides, I can look after myself perfectly well. I can control my emotions. And if I can't, I should learn to control my emotions. I don't need someone to protect me. 我经得起风吹雨打！I should learn to clean up my own shit. And, I am never going to let someone have reins over my emotions. Nah-ah.
I like a relationship where the boy and I act like we are single but not available. Basically, we get to keep the privileges of a singleton (hooray!) and yet, we get to enjoy the plus side of coupledom (perfect!). It's like hedging in Finance! Limit the downside and maximize the upside. Kind of.
Oh, I don't mind that he goes clubbing without me. Or that he doesn't "report" to me. He can look at pretty girls and maybe even flirt a little with them (but not in front of me). And blah and blah and blah.
Of course, when it comes to physical needs (I don't need to spell it out, do I?!), we are mutually exclusive. No other girls for him and no other guys for me. The occasional keeping each other warm in the middle of the night. Meeting up as and when our schedules allow. And blah and blah and blah.
Bickering is a must! Fights as well! I don't need or want the boy to always agree or giving in to me. I mean, how boring! Bickering and fighting keep things fresh and interesting no? He must share similar interest too. Watches soccer and US shows like The Celebrity Apprentice, Lost, Gossip Girl, Prison Break, Grey's and the likes.
AND! He must understand that the relationship is an ad-hoc thing. Most of the people I know these days are looking for their potential husbands and wives already! SIAO! That's why the boy must understand that I am NOT looking for such a thing. If it works out, cool. If not, I'll see you around.
So, it's kind of like an unofficial relationship. I don't need the title of being so-and-so's girlfriend. I mean, seriously, does it help me get a job? Feed me?
Oh, don't tell me that I am saying all these because I have yet to find someone I really really truly madly deeply love. Because ever since I am old enough to understand relationship (around 12), this has been how I imagine my perfect relationship to be. Even if we are married. He gets to keep his life, I get to keep mine and we sort of have a intersection in the center. Like those venn diagrams we have in science.
I like my independence and I plan to keep it.
Oh, I do have a mess up view about relationship huh? Well, this is only the tip of the iceberg. I mean, I have been in enough (2) bad limbo relationships to know better.
Of course, there are many sub-clause and exceptions to these unofficial relationship thingy. But there's just too many to list here. The relationship must not be a planned thing. It is more like a spontaneous thing. We will take the next step when it comes. And not have a clear timeline in mind. God, no!
This is not a good description of the perfect relationship for a reliant-phobic. But I am doing the best I can with these half shut eyes and brain.
zzZzz.
I like the cleaned-up version of me(: Okay, not totally cleaned up. But you know, less of the splotches of THAT need.
Sometimes, I still feel like this -
promiscuous boy, wherever you are. i am all alone and it's you that i want.
But hey, I've learned to deal with it(: Oh yes I have!
I realised that I am reliant-phobic.
I don't know. The thought of having relationships like the ones my friends are having, freaks me out. Even the normal ones. ESPECIALLY the normal ones.
Someone who looks after me all the time. Someone who is there to throw tantrums at. Someone who is there constantly. Meeting up more than 3 times a week. Someone constantly looking over my shoulders. Protecting me. Tying my emotions to their actions (because let's face it. once you are in a r/s, it happens). And all that that comes with the boyfriend package.
It just too much. Too much of reliance. I will never allow myself to be that reliant on someone. NEVER. It freaks me out.
Besides, I can look after myself perfectly well. I can control my emotions. And if I can't, I should learn to control my emotions. I don't need someone to protect me. 我经得起风吹雨打！I should learn to clean up my own shit. And, I am never going to let someone have reins over my emotions. Nah-ah.
I like a relationship where the boy and I act like we are single but not available. Basically, we get to keep the privileges of a singleton (hooray!) and yet, we get to enjoy the plus side of coupledom (perfect!). It's like hedging in Finance! Limit the downside and maximize the upside. Kind of.
Oh, I don't mind that he goes clubbing without me. Or that he doesn't "report" to me. He can look at pretty girls and maybe even flirt a little with them (but not in front of me). And blah and blah and blah.
Of course, when it comes to physical needs (I don't need to spell it out, do I?!), we are mutually exclusive. No other girls for him and no other guys for me. The occasional keeping each other warm in the middle of the night. Meeting up as and when our schedules allow. And blah and blah and blah.
Bickering is a must! Fights as well! I don't need or want the boy to always agree or giving in to me. I mean, how boring! Bickering and fighting keep things fresh and interesting no? He must share similar interest too. Watches soccer and US shows like The Celebrity Apprentice, Lost, Gossip Girl, Prison Break, Grey's and the likes.
AND! He must understand that the relationship is an ad-hoc thing. Most of the people I know these days are looking for their potential husbands and wives already! SIAO! That's why the boy must understand that I am NOT looking for such a thing. If it works out, cool. If not, I'll see you around.
So, it's kind of like an unofficial relationship. I don't need the title of being so-and-so's girlfriend. I mean, seriously, does it help me get a job? Feed me?
Oh, don't tell me that I am saying all these because I have yet to find someone I really really truly madly deeply love. Because ever since I am old enough to understand relationship (around 12), this has been how I imagine my perfect relationship to be. Even if we are married. He gets to keep his life, I get to keep mine and we sort of have a intersection in the center. Like those venn diagrams we have in science.
I like my independence and I plan to keep it.
Oh, I do have a mess up view about relationship huh? Well, this is only the tip of the iceberg. I mean, I have been in enough (2) bad limbo relationships to know better.
Of course, there are many sub-clause and exceptions to these unofficial relationship thingy. But there's just too many to list here. The relationship must not be a planned thing. It is more like a spontaneous thing. We will take the next step when it comes. And not have a clear timeline in mind. God, no!
This is not a good description of the perfect relationship for a reliant-phobic. But I am doing the best I can with these half shut eyes and brain.
zzZzz.
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